hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
