The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
