I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
