Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
