I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
