life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
