i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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