We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
