dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
