whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
