I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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