I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
babies were throwing up all over the place
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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