I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
