**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
