All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
