I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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