Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
