we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
