you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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