What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
