dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Terrible idea I love it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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