Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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