I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
