I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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