I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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