I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
