I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
