i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
