I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
