her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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