I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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