Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
