tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
