Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
