I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
