Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
