Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
