I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
