please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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