If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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