I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
