I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
