I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
