I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
