I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
