I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
