Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
