What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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