just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
