Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Bring me that man meat
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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