Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
